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My not so amazing life...  I am so exhausted! My neck is still very stiff, but at least I can move without meds now. So I guess I should explain. Monday I woke up around 2am and could barely move because of the pain movement was causing. I ended up in the ER about 8am. Dad had to pick me up (literally pick me up) and also drop off the kiddos at school. I managed to tear my cervical muscle and pinch a nerve. ALL I DID WAS GO TO BED!!!! NO wild sex (at least then there would be a funny story involved) no lifting or bending, nothing! I just woke up feeling like a pretzel. And I resembled one by the time I finally got some meds... I spent 3 of my 5 work days gimped up on the couch. Have I mentioned that I have exactly NO sick days left? This paycheck should be about $1.oo ... The Unit Christmas party is tomorrow night. Not sure about that yet, but I'm going. We are supposed to be able to have a live feed for the guys to view the kids singing carols. I hope so, James could really use that right now. Wish we could see him. I want my husband back. I feel so lost without him. It is almost like someone took the right side of my body. Like I've been left with just enough to survive, but not enough to really call alive. There are days that the "spark" that makes me me is actually there. Most days I'm more like a shell. I know this, and yet I still can't quite figure out how to fix it. I just don't know. Maybe this is just me now. God, I hope not... Christmas is here. It's my very favorite time of year. I normally have the tree up by now, but this year I just can't seem to do it. Makes James' not being here VERY real, maybe that's the problem. Hell, I don't know. Not really Christmas when my heart and soul are thousands and thousands of miles away. Please, God, take care of him. He HAS to come back to us... Current mood:  distressed.Current music: Peanuts Gang theme music. So I had a pretty long day today. I'm exhausted and sore and just kinda blah. I had the first of my kidney tests done today. Not the worst thing I've ever experienced, but definately not on my list of top ten things to do with my day. Have I mentioned that I HATE my doctor. I don't even want to go back. He's so rude, and his staff is worse. And the cherry is I can't even get my results until the 7th. In the meantime I guess my kidneys can just continue to worsen. No one seems to care that my back is in a constant state of pain. Do they have to quit before someone listens?! I did get to talk to my hubbie today. That ALWAYS helps. I felt a lot less alone after hearing his voice. Honey, if you are reading this, I love you more than life. "Je reve et toi mi ami" and I'll see you tonight. I had so much more I wanted to write about tonight, it has all managed to escape me now. I'm a frickin space cadet... Current mood:  blank.Current music: Law and Order theme music. I had my first visit with my new Urologist. Can I just say "I HATE HIM!!!" I walked in to the office five minutes prior to my appointment. I apologized for running late (even though I wasn't actually late yet, just later than I would have liked...) and she yelled at me!!! When I explained that my husband called from Iraq and I wouldn't miss that she just scoffed. I was already in a very, very, very bad state of mind (read: depressed) so that didn't help. I sat and sobbed while I filled out paperwork. Bad start to a worse visit. They then took me back to give a sample. (Mind you, I've NEVER been to this office before.) I stood in the hall with a cup full of urine for about 3 minutes before a nurse came and yelled at me (again) to just put it on the counter and get back here. I kid you not, just like that. She never even introduced herself to me. (I still don't know her name.) She took my blood pressure (high for the FIRST time EVER. Stress anyone?) and the said they had to cath me. No biggie, done it before. Well she said to get undressed and get on the table. Every Doc or nurse before now has always stepped out to give some privacy to undress, so I stood there quietly waiting for her to leave the room. I got yelled at a third time!!! She told me "Well don't wait on me get to it! I don't have all day." WTF?!! She then just stood there and watched me undress. Talk about awkward. If she had been the least bit friendly it would NOT have mattered to me. It just got worse. When the doc came in no one even spoke to me. It was like I was a car that needed a tune up. And that's all the doc could talk about with the nurse. His wife's check engine light and the cost it would take to fix the car! In the meantime, the nurse (again without a word) has just grabbed my legs and put them in stirrups while pulling my hips to the end of the table. I was in shock. (For the guys; the girl usually is asked to do this after being told what was going to happen to her. So NOT done like this...) He then proceeded to complain about my "parts" placement, b/c I had SO much control over that! I just layed there and cried. I don't think anyone even noticed. I felt as if my dignity had been raped. I've never been quite so humiliated before. And adding salt to the wound, he proceeded to leave the door open the entire time I was naked on the table. Not once, but three times. Can I add that I was the only female patient in the joint? Most were older men dealing with prostate/ED issues. I certainly didn't feel like being the prescription for their issues, I can tell you that. On the way out the door the doc is yelling down the hall to the RECEPTIONIST about my and my daughters medical issues. Right there in front of the ENTIRE waiting room. SO NOT HAPPY!!! I was stunned and mortified. All I wanted was James. All I had was tears. I don't even cry in front of other people. That's just not me. I walked out into the parking lot and sat bawling in the car for about 10 minutes. This sucks... Current mood:  indescribable.Current music: Leaving On A Jet Plane. So it's been awhile since I could do this. Still not sure how to do the alone thing. I HATE THIS!!! I feel as if I'm dying slowly from the inside out. The part of me that makes my heart beat, my lungs fill, it's missing. And as of this very second I have no idea where on this globe we share he is. My mind is racing with all these horrible thoughts. God, please help me. I've never felt so scared and alone in my entire life. I want to climb in a hole and just stay there. Thank God for the kids, b/c without them I think I would actually do just that. My friend, more my sister, is the only one who checks on me regularly. Thanks so much, Cassie. I wouldn't make it without her. Nobody comes close to getting it. I get the people who think they do b/c their spouse travels. Yeah, but do they get shot at? Do they HAVE to carry a fucking rifle to the shower with them? How about check the side of the road for IED's? Or point guns at everyone who approaches too close so they can never fully trust people again in this lifetime? Yeah, I didn't think so. I bet they also don't have to travel in pairs at all times so that it's more difficult to be kidnapped by some lunatic and then tortured and murdered on tape for their families to see on international television. Don't tell me you understand, you truly have no clue. I'm supposed to be the strong one, so why do I feel so damn scared and powerless? Why does it seem I am merely existing? Why can't I shake this horrible feeling that this is NOT going to end well for us? For him? Why does my heart stop every time I see a car I don't recognize coming towards my house? I'm so scared that I can't do this, that I'm teetering close to breaking. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!! Last time I wrote about finding Grace. Well that won't be happening. She is no longer working where she was and the former employer REFUSES to tell me where she works now. I'm scared of starting over with a new counselor. I'm afraid of what that will do to me, and ultimately to my kids. There should be a law against keeping the whereabouts of a counselor/psychiatrist who is still practicing away from a patient. ESPECIALLY in mental health situations!!! I feel so lost... Current mood:  crushed.Current music: Aerosmith, Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. So here we are. The guys can come home IF we come up with 140,000 dollars! Chump change, right? We are all really stressed out trying to beg money. It's happening. Slowly, but surely. I was able to visit James over Labor Day weekend. It was amazing. I haven't felt that close to James in years. I wish we had been able to take a vacation without a deployment being the cause. I miss him more now than I did after he first left. It is starting to become more real to me. Before the trip to Seattle it was easy to pretend that he was just at another class or short term thing. Actually seeing that he LIVES somewhere else hurt. Hurt like I can't describe. It feels like we have been divorced against our will. I've never seen James so miserable. It broke my heart to see him like that. Leaving was nearly impossible. All I could keep thinking is "I can't do this! I just can't." Obviously I did. I hated every second of it. I'm still in hate with that idea. Think I need to find Grace's number again... Current mood: depressed.Current music: Don't wanna miss a thing. I have a new addition to my family. Her name is Zahara. She is an amazing 13 week old Boxer. I'm in love already! I'll get a pic up as soon as I can figure out how to get it from the camera to here. Until later... Current mood:  happy.Current music: Great Day. Today, I feel like I can do this. But we are just now only 32 hours in. I have only cried once today. No, twice. Really! That's all! I'm proud of myself. I have to go to bed soon, so that may screw up my average. The kids start school tomorrow. I'm ready, I KNOW they are. It should help keep us all distracted. My sweet babies... Current mood: optimistic.Current music: the swish, swish of the washing machine. He left today. I just watched my whole world get on a plane and leave. I really can't wrap my brain around it. It was so surreal, like I was watching my life in a bad movie. But man, did he look handsome. God, help me. I'm so scared. For him, for me, for us. I have never felt more helpless. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't like this already. The house feels so big all of a sudden. James, I'm so proud of you. I love you so dearly, please, be safe. I'm praying for you every second, and thinking of you when I am not praying. You complete me. Yo quiero mas que to sabes. Pray for us. Current mood:  so very, very scared.Current music: Love of a Lifetime. So I went back to work today. It was a little hard to do this morning. James was loading up stuff in the car to take to the armory and wearing his cammies. It was a little more real. I've always loved to see him in his uniform, very sexy. I'm so proud of him. Scared to death, but so VERY proud. Kids have open house tomorrow so everyone can meet the teachers and such. Logan is so excited he can barely contain himself. The girls are just ready to get started again. I am too. I didn't have as many problems with my eyes today. I guess the leak was temporarily patched up or something. That was nice. I think if I keep really busy it should help. I know James wants to help me, but there is just not anything he can do. I can't even stop it. At least it's not the "ticking time bomb" kind of tears. He doesn't need that. Hell, I don't need that! Think I will go make dinner now. I'm sure he CAN'T wait to eat yet another of my "cajun" style meals. LOL I bet that's something he won't miss about being home! Maybe I can learn to cook while he is gone. Naw, he wouldn't realize he was in the right home!!! LOL Current mood: like for every little second!.Current music: Some history channel thing. I feel so blah today! I can't even describe how apathetic I am. I really just want to crawl in a hole with a blankie and stay there. I don't want to eat. Don't wanna sleep. Sex sounds ok. Well, better than ok, but that's the only thing I feel like doing. Three full days to go, and that's over for awhile too. James boss offered to take me "toy" shopping. That seems a little weird though. Not the trip itself, but the thought of doing that with his boss. Creepy, actually. I bet Cassie will go with me. James went with me once already and we picked out a few things. That was fine, but what I really want is him. I am on the verge of tears again. Tired of that. Just so damn tired. I've got to snap out of this. I think I may need a sleeping pill. Or some tequila. Or that damn hole I want to curl up in. I miss him already... Current mood: just so damn blah....Current music: Lemony Snickets in the background. |
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